Blackout Message

The following message was sent out to my social circle in a group chat. As a result of the message being sent, I will not be contributing any work to any platform (other than schoolwork) for the next few days. There will be no new videos on my YouTube channel, no art being posted on DeviantArt, absolutely nothing. I just need some time away from everything to focus on what I believe is important; academics and mental health.

I'm... just going to indulge in an inner monologue here, don't mind me.

So, I feel like there's been a bit of a cycle recently.

I don't exactly know what feels cyclic, but the conversations here just seem repetitive after a while, and no real ideas are being discussed.

Don't get me wrong, the group itself is fine. But this is the first (technically third) group chat that I've actively engaged in, and I just feel like we're not moving forward. I know, it's not a story. This is real life; none of it should be treated as fictional. However, from a narrative perspective, there have been no plot developments. Nothing of interest, no major life moments; nil, zilch, goose egg. I guess the last plot development was the wrap-up of the Akira Kagawa plotline, but that was really just improv that I set up myself to entertain (or disturb). 

I suppose what it comes down to, is that I'm always not sure if I'm contributing too much, or not at all. I've taken on quite a few personas over time; V.S., Exypnos Chronis, Kitsuna Clarke, Sakura Clarke, Akira, Pavor, myself from another dimension, et cetera.

Maybe I'm too clingy, or desperate. I won't deny that those traits could be true.

I've also acted oblivious, cold, jumpy, idiotically, and emotionally unstable, all at different times. I'm not sure which ones are actually true... and which ones that I was just acting out.

It's stupid, I'm stupid, I get that. But I don't know what to say or what to do on this chat anymore. 

I sincerely apologize to anyone that had to deal with my switches and acts before, and I also apologize if at any point I sounded like a stereotypical teenager wanting rebellion. I don't want to be like that. But I'm afraid that's sort of just what happens as you grow up. You change, a lot, and you're going to have to deal with it in whatever way you deem necessary.

I might have to quit this for a few days to re-evaluate... stuff. Maybe. No guarantee. Please know that none of this is your fault. Again, maybe. I'm trying to think of some reassuring words, but I'm not really feeling up to it right now. Sorry.

This rant is a very big regret of mine. But you'd understand, right?

Posted Thursday 18 June 2020, 01:34.