Possibly Offensive Content Warning: Mental health, Homophobia, Transphobia, Racism
I haven't posted here in a while. Is everything dead yet? No? Oh, okay, good.
Uh... what to say, what to say? This year has been... a thing, right?
Gee, I don't update this blog enough to say anything meaningful about it. I guess I kinda forgot, honestly. What am I doing again? Right, a reflection on this past year. Just a heads up, this is going to be a mess.
Part I. The Isolation Capsule
[LOG: 213-V] I sometimes like to think of my room as a space pod, or a capsule. It's kinda just my imagination going wild. Y'know, in this fantasy capsule, I have one of those food machines from 60's-era Doctor Who so I'll never worry about hunger, a bathroom in the closet for those needs, and everything else I already have in my room to begin with; bookshelves, bed, clothing, too many pens, scrap paper, windows, and so on. It was a nice bit of escapism at the time.
[LOG: 214-I] Now, it's more like the entire house is a spacecraft, with all its designated rooms and facilities. Also there's a high chance of death if we go outside unprotected, so that exists too. Of course, sometimes it's necessary to go outside to find resources, but it's probably in everyone's best interest if they stay inside their respective ships. I suppose in this analogy, we're all just floating in the middle of deep space, doing what we can to survive, waiting for the ship to find its way back to our home planet. And we're all sure it'll eventually make it. We just don't really know how long it's going to take.
[LOG: 215-X] Of course, there'll be those who try to go out into the void unprotected, and claim that they're fine. And to those people, if you start feeling some hypothermia, that's not the re-routing system. That's because you went into the vastness of space without a suit on! That's all I have to say about that. We'll just leave it there.
[LOG: 216-E] I've been thinking of growing something in my chamber. Not anything big, but just maybe a few herbs or flowers or something. This'd be good for two reasons: 1) They would look pretty, and 2) It would give me a good sense of satisfaction as if I actually accomplished something. On the other hand, I do forget things a lot, so it might be better if I just have a small cactus. Cacti sometimes have flowers growing from them, so that might still be pretty cool. I'd just need to remember where it is, otherwise I might end up hurting myself more than I do regularly, on a daily basis.
[LOG: 217-L] I suppose as time goes on, I think more about my future. Can I be, say, a lawyer, for example? I'm fairly sure the answer is 'no', but we'll see. Okay, thinking about careers and stuff is all well and good, but what about after all this? What about living somewhere new? Well, if I am to be living on my own, I guess I'd want it to be sort of like my chamber right now (but with gravity, of course); small, basic amenities, books, that's basically it. Oh, and I want a bicycle too. Fast and easy transportation from the campus / my job and my residence. Ah, I miss gravity. In a sense, I kinda miss my old life. Sure, it's very different from this, and it might get some getting used to again, but still. It's kind of a longing of sorts. But, obviously, after all this time I've become accustomed to this life, even if it is for an indefinite amount of time in deep space. It's grown on me with time, y'know. And as much as I long for gravity and going outside without clunky suits, it probably won't be for a long time, and there's no guarantee that by that time we'll even be ready to go back. This is the status quo. And I fear that when it's time to head home, we'll just want to stay up here. What would that say?
[END OF LOGS]
Part II. An Important Question
"Why put so much effort into something that will ultimately be destroyed?"
I find this to be a very interesting question to think about. I mean, if you're willing to spend so much time and effort creating something that you are truly passionate about, why would you seemingly ruin it by making it obsolete? Well, I guess you don't know until it's ended. I am of the belief that if I'm actually passionate about something, then I will put in the effort to make something I will be proud of. The final product is not the experience. Sure, getting a project done fills you with relief, but that's all that is. Relief; a sense of accomplishment. That you did something important, that you made something at least somewhat good. But the enjoyment of a project should always come from the process, at least, that's what I think. At any point, if you stop enjoying something, change it so you can enjoy it, or just give up. There's no shame in giving up, because... well, sometimes it's the only good option. I know that giving up is usually regarded as a last resort, and mostly because it is for the most part, sometimes it doesn't hurt to just give up. Try something else.
Knowing something will eventually be utterly ruined doesn't impact the experience you have with it. Take Rube Goldberg machines, for example. While there are some reusable Rube Goldberg machines out there, most of them are single-use only. This means that once the entire action has gone through, every contraption being utilized, and the final motion is made, that's it. Especially with machines requiring explosives or other dangerous materials, there is no easy way for the machine to be saved, bar recordings, reconstructions, and memories. If one put, say, a boat load of effort into this machine, then there's no guarantee that the magnitude of this one can ever be recreated, so after it's used, it's essentially gone forever. Which, of course, only leaves one to reminisce of the good times they had building it. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I'd be remiss to not mention something after discussing this question.
Part III. Dear...
Something very important ended this year. Something that had seemingly never been done before, that was unique, and somewhat historic in nature. The project's name was Unus Annus (Latin for "one year"), which was started by two notable gaming YouTubers (Mark "Markiplier" Edward Fischbach and Ethan "CrankGameplays" Mark Nestor) to make a new video every day for a year. Then, by the time the year was up, every video and the channel itself would be deleted. And they were. On November 13 (or 14, time zones are confusing), over a million people watched as 365 videos that people had grown attached to, suddenly disappeared without a trace... mostly. The channel had constantly inundated itself with reminders of death, of inevitability (its catchphrase was 'memento mori'). So, of course, when it died, people treated it like a real death. Mourning, sadness, a sense of loss; but more importantly, the sharing of memories. Fan edit compilations and animatics sprung up in its final days more than it had before, making Unus Annus something that would never be truly forgotten.
The day immediately after the channel died (Nov. 15), I challenged myself to do something similar. In my case, it was to post something on an undisclosed and unadvertised social media account every single day for a year (or possibly longer). The only difference was that I would not delete the posts unless the entire project truly got noticed. Unlike Mark and Ethan, I don't have a large following. So deleting everything from a project that never got noticed just seems like a waste. So, in that case, I would just keep posting until it gets somewhat noticed and talked about. It felt like a chore at first. That I had to do something every day. But it ended up being a bit of catharsis. Sure, I was writing letters to a fictional character as a fictional character, but it sort of feels like I'm just expressing my own beliefs through some other medium. I like poetry. I really, really do. This year, through the lock-down, I've written far more poetry than I used to. I've expressed my emotions through different metaphors and analogies, even sharing some to my school because, well, what did I have to lose? In some odd way, this year I've been more committed to being myself, by not being myself. It's strange, and a bit absurd on paper, but it turns out that it works out just fine in real life. Difference between theories and experiments, I guess.
Part IV. Video Games & Pseudonyms
So after the lockdown, I've been playing a bunch of video games. Not actually that surprising, considering my demographic. But I've been playing the games that were a part of Itch.io's "Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality". Hundreds of games, in a bundle, for only $5 to help a good cause. Now, anyone who knows me in real life knows two things about me; 1) I'm really not a gamer, and 2) I try to give to charity whenever I can. Obviously, the latter overruled the former, so I was stuck with hundreds of games and satisfaction of knowing I contributed to something that will actually help people. Like anyone in this situation, I just started playing the games that I found interesting (and were compatible with Linux). I found some pretty interesting ones that I'll list right now: Mobius by papercookies (the entire game is played on a Möbius strip), Shn!p by flatbutton (a puzzler about clearing dots with explosions), Morse COD by SeaDads (a British comedy game about using Morse Code as a defense system), Puzlogic by Eduardo Barreto (kind of like sudoku, but not really), Mewnbase by Cairn4 (a space-cat survival game), and Cats Are Liquid [ALITS, ABP] by Last Quarter Studios (a surprisingly deep story about a cat with the ability to become liquid), to name a few.
The thing about the latter two games is that they have inspired a new pseudonym for me; 'Catherine', shortened to 'Cat' because of the protagonist felines in both. Wait, but what's a pseudonym? A pseudonym is just any name that is used to hide the real name of a person. So, things like in-game names and usernames would fall into this category (no pun intended). Names I have used in the past, of which I have no problems disclosing include Jumo, Lwoq, Koala, Platypus, Lily, and most recently, Anna (and variants such as Ann or Anne). I feel like the last two, coupled with 'Catherine', might seem a little odd to some people. Why would I use a female name if I, myself, am not female? Well... why not? I mean, there's been a long history of women writing under male pen names (Mary Ann Evans as George Eliot, Violet Paget as Vernon Lee, et cetera), so why couldn't the reverse be done? In addition, I'd really only used names that are also names of fictional characters I had previously made up. Bringing up the previous examples again, these each correspond to 'Lily Nadlia', 'Anna Atkin / Awsley' (the record's still unclear), and 'Catherine Solus'. They're really just usernames. I don't believe that having a female name as one's own username while not being female means that they're pretending to be female, because that's ridiculous. A username can be anything, as long as its not someone's legal name.
Part V. The Game That Broke Me
The following was written between October 24 to 25: (I edited some parts for personal reasons)
Boa Retina, the game that truly broke me. Have I been hiding from myself? I don’t know that. How many people will see this? I don’t know that either. Sorry, I should start a little from the beginning. I know, it’s overused, but I need to set some context.
I guess I identify as male, as I was born that way. Ah. It’s mostly stereotypes, isn’t it? I was born in a time with preconceived notions about what a man should and shouldn’t be; what a boy should and shouldn’t do. To my mind, I was supposed to be strong, unhygienic, a trouble-maker, a snitch. But I wasn’t. I washed my hands a little too often, I played with dolls, I enjoyed making bracelets for me to wear, well, anywhere outside. I thought this behaviour was taboo, that I wasn’t supposed to be doing any of it because I was male. Did I do those things out of teenage rebellion? Well, no, because I was about 6 or 7 at the time, but also because I didn’t think of it that way. It was just fun. It made me happy, for reasons I can still never understand why.
You know, I’ve told this story many times to many people, but never properly wrote it down. Well, except for a short sociology presentation. I, of course, thought about writing something like this for a while now, but never got around to doing it. Suffice to say, I was very confused. This moment, or group of moments sort of marked a bit of a perspective change. More specifically, I guess, the distinction between gender, and gender expression. Let me be clear, I do not believe that I am trans, but I have no ill will against trans people. They are great.
I don’t know, I’ve just sort of been stuck in this limbo state for a while, not really acknowledging what gender I am. After all, that’s not really something that’s brought into conversation often. You don’t just walk up to a stranger to ask for their gender; that’d be weird, and maybe a bit insensitive. That’s probably enough context. Time to move on to Boa Retina.
Boa Retina is a pile of emotions disguised as a game created by Jenn Raye. The premise, essentially, is that you get put into a trans person’s shoes, and watch as their mind fights against itself. It’s very interesting of a concept. It just kinda… hit a little too close to home. With me not necessarily being in the LGBTQ+ community (maybe, I actually don’t know my sexuality yet), it would seem weird for me to have experienced homophobia and transphobia prior. But I have. Somehow. It’s just a mess. It started with series 11 and 12 of the British television programme Doctor Who. I’m pretty sure all my friends are sick of me talking about Doctor Who, but this is relevant, I swear. So the Doctor (the main character, a time-travelling alien) is a woman now. Or at least appears to be? Time Lord gender is confusing. Regardless, this decision definitely divided the Doc Who community and people have been making arguments that Doctor Who has become “too political”. I won’t get into this now, but just know that Doctor Who has always been political. (Cybernetics going too far -> Cybermen; Robot Space Nazis -> Daleks; etc.) There’s also a whole lot of other agenda-related stuff that I couldn’t be bothered to care about. Also, this year (2020) has been a mess as well. Murder hornets, COPPA, the pandemic, and most importantly to this anecdote, the George Floyd protests. Just read about it in the news if you don’t understand. What’s the through line? One of my family members (who shall remain nameless) has been talking about these topics in very homophobic, transphobic, and racist ways. Ah, it feels so good to just let that out in writing. I’ve been dealing with this since… well, since late-May, early-June actually. Like I’ve been saying, it’s a mess. Which is also, incidentally, what Boa Retina is. I cannot get into specifics, I mean, this is domestic life I’m talking about. But I suppose it feels nice to have that acknowledgement here, instead of building in my brain; a mental breakdown waiting to happen. This game took a lot out of me. It gave me a chance to reflect on my current situation, and to deconstruct the image I’ve made for myself.
I’ve been hiding something. Not a mental secret, but a physical object; a bow. I received it as a sort of gift early this year, and personally, I think it’s really pretty. I still remember when I first got it; I put it on and felt so happy with myself. But when I showed it to the aforementioned family member, I got a disapproving look and a response to take it off because “it doesn’t suit you”. Why? Why wouldn’t it suit me? It’s a bow, it looks amazing! I mean sure, back a year ago when I found the tiaras, that was overstepping something; yes, I agree on that point. But a bow? It’s so much more subtle than a tiara, and its colour palette (it's black-and-white) fits my hair. I don’t get it. Well, I do, sort of. When I consulted my friends it was mostly that if I was cross-dressing, it’d be fine, but if not, absolutely not. What part about this is cross-dressing? Sure, I might be a little bad at fashion (thinking jean jackets and plaid pants are cool), but I honestly didn’t think bows would not be in-style for boys. I mean, I see people (boys included) wearing things like necklaces and bracelets all the time, so why is a single bow overstepping the line, I just don’t understand. So I’ve been hiding it.
Is this a reflection of my overall personality? I’m not entirely sure. I think it’s really more of a culmination of a bunch of small, little things crammed into the bottle that is stress and frustration, which eventually leads to an… explosion of sorts. I don’t get angry. I’m not mad, just kinda upset with myself. It’s these little things that just get to me sometimes, and I’m not sure how to cope other than writing it all out. So here we are. Lost in a sea of ramblings, wherein you’re reading this, and I’m concluding this long stream of thoughts and emotions. Take care.
Part VI. Visual Novels
Let's rewind a bit, all the way back to 2018. I had recently downloaded a free game, known as "Doki Doki Literature Club!" (that's its full name, but I'll refer to it as "DDLC"). I'm sure you all know about this game by now, right? Without spoiling too much, DDLC is a visual novel that starts off pretty normal, but then becomes a meta-horror experience that is absolutely too disturbing to the faint of heart. Go look it up if you want the full details. So the point is, it was a visual novel. Now, me in 2018, being terrible at avoiding spoilers, knew about every single Easter egg and twist ahead of me. So I did not have the chance to do a blind play-through. I thought I knew exactly what to expect. What I didn't expect, however, was how long it took to get to the quote-unquote 'exciting bits'. I recorded about the first hour and a half of me playing through the game, until I had to stop because I was bored. The scenes felt like they dragged on and on, and more time I spent with the characters, the less I connected to them. The whole point of the first act is to get the player attached to the characters and the story, before it's all ripped away in the second and third acts, but I was already so disinterested with both the characters and the story that I found no use in continuing. I then (falsely) assumed that all visual novels were like this, and vowed to never play one again. DDLC turned me away from visual novels.
This year, that changed quite a bit. Remember when I said I played more video games this year? Well, in the mix of video games, I played a good number of visual novels. The first one I played was called "A Pet Shop After Dark" (hereby referred to as "Lights-Off"; you'd understand if you downloaded the game), which, coincidentally was very similar to DDLC, in the sense that they both fell into the niche group of 'meta-horror visual novel'. However, in my opinion, where Lights-Off succeeds over DDLC is in the story-telling and gameplay. Lights-Off tackles characterization and moving the plot forward using simple dialogue. That is to say, the dialogue that introduces the characters is done quickly and efficiently, such that the main plot can continue immediately after, having wasted no time at all. Similarly, the exposition is delivered with seemingly simple changes in tone and with little-to-no background, making it easy to distinguish the line between narrative and game, when the distinction needs to be made. Moving onto the gameplay, I found that the player interacts far more with the meta elements of Lights-Off than in DDLC, as in the former, the player is actually a key player for the majority of the game, while in the latter, the player's contributions really only come in at the end, making the entire game more of an automatic storybook than a fully interactive experience. What Lights-Off lacks is the amount of detail in its characters and backgrounds, but I'd argue that this concept works to its benefit. Honestly, I just like minimalism in media, and that includes video games. After this delightful (if not slightly off-putting) experience with a visual novel, I decided to look for more under the same creator; 'npckc'. And 'boy-howdy' did they provide. I really liked the yaoi stories of "A Tavern For Tea" and "Penguin Cafe", and have yet to play the transgender tales of the "Spring" series (although I've only heard good things about them from the reviews), but I hope I will soon! Lights-Off (and npckc) has truly rebuilt my trust in visual novels.
Part [roman numeral]. [title]
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