I Have A Puzzle, Good and Evil

 Sung to the tune of "A Lady" by Tally Hall:

I have a puzzle, good and evil,

Mewed in the base under siege again.

Listen alone to ancient linguas,

Oxymoronic in pain.

Note: not lore, just my Twitter username. ;-)

French Numbers

 Yeah, the joke is that they're stupid. Ha ha, very funny. But did you know that in Belgium and Switzerland there are actually individual words for 70, 80, and 90? Respectively, they're 'septante', 'huitante', and 'nonante'. Don't use them in France though, people will try to correct you. On the topic of 80, it actually used to be far more consistent. Some time, possibly around the Middle Ages, [I mean, it has Celtic origin, what do you want me to say?] any multiple of twenty up to 18 could be expressed as 'x twenties'. This led to a hospital intended for 300 knights to be called the 'Hôpital des Quinze-Vingts', literally translated as 'hospital of fifteen twenties'. Arguably more confusing is the Danish word for fifty; 'halvtreds'. Seemingly, this means 'half-three' but that doesn't make a lot of sense. So what's going on? Okay, well, this is actually a shortening of the older Danish word, 'halvtredsindstyve', which roughly translates to 'half three times twenty'. But... doing the math, that equals thirty. There's one more trick here. Since 'half' comes before 'three', it really means 'one half before three', or 'three minus one half'. Essentially, it's the same as the mathematical expression, '(3 - 1/2) * 20 = 50'. Which is true, but surely that's quite long-winded, right? If it helps, Old Danish used the vigesimal system, or base 20. That might explain the weird multiplication a bit. If it's any consolation, other number systems, like those used in Tongua or Lojban just have you say the digits in order. So '4034' in Lojban is just 'vonocivo'. I'll leave it here with another common joke: 42 in Lojban.

Sources:

https://www.theguardian.com/notesandqueries/query/0,,-4751,00.html

https://forum.wordreference.com/threads/french-numbers-septante-huitante-octante-nonante-soixante-dix-quatre-vingts-quatre-vingt-dix.4205/

https://www.thelocal.fr/galleries/culture/french-words-you-will-never-hear-in-france/

https://www.wordsense.eu/halvtredsindstyve/

https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%B4pital_des_Quinze-Vingts

https://www.languagesandnumbers.com/how-to-count-in-danish/en/dan/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4bmZ1gRqCc

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233545931_Counting_in_Tongan_The_Traditional_Number_Systems_and_Their_Cognitive_Implications

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-unefmAo9k

January 2022 Update

 I haven't been here in a while. More than that, I haven't been here posting material that hasn't been recycled from an old school assignment. So the next question is, "What's up with that?" And I can tell you.

I've been journalling quite a bit more recently.

Well, in the past few months.

Well, since August of 2021. I've been dealing with a whole lot of things that don't really seem like they should be on a public blog. But I'm back now, and I've come up with a list of topics and revisions that will happen here in the near future.

Allow me to indulge here:

• Dictionary update! 70+ new words will be added, and I'll try to revisit it monthly (but no promises)
• No lore stuff here! In the past, I've seeded in some entries that can be considered lore for the non-chronological storyline I've been telling for the last five years. No more of that. If you want to keep up-to-date on that, refer to the next bullet point.
• New stuff on the storefront! Yes, I'm currently compiling another bunch of poems I've written for the second volume of "I Don't Know". I'll also include some writings I'm particularly proud of, including the Angry Birds physics report, among others. And as always, every item there is entirely free!
• Music! I used to be far more vigilant about keeping my Twitter account secret. Or that fact I even have one. Yes, I have a Twitter account. Yes, I keep that more updated than this blog as of late. No, that really doesn't mean much. I post there when I want to talk about art, music, and cosplay in an anonymous way. If you really want to find it, I'll post a puzzle on here later [probably in February] to give some hints. In the meantime, I'll try to talk about music here, too.
• Rabbit hole discussions! Yeah, I'm still working on a name. Basically, it's a post wherein I indulge in a topic far beyond what seems socially acceptable. It'll be rambly, unstructured, and basically all over the place. It's basically a vessel for me to talk about random things I find interesting. I'm not sure what's in it for you, but hopefully you take from it some interesting knowledge. Maybe it'll help in a trivia competition someday, I don't know!

So those are the updates! Coming soon to this blog. If you take issue with anything in this post, or anything I say in any post, the comments are always open!

Cats Are Liquid and the Inability to Let Go

 Preface: This was originally an English assignment about literary criticism of media. Also, spoilers! Also, this was originally written in May 2021 and I have not changed any of the source material sans formatting.

--

Summary: 

While the games are best experienced first-hand, it does take around 5 hours to complete both in their entirety. So, it is best that I quickly summarize here. However, if you wish to read the story without the gameplay, they are linked: A Light in the Shadows, Companion, A Better Place

    A) A Light in the Shadows

Lumi is a cat, trapped in a looping world with little to no memory of what happened outside. As she traverses through various levels, the environment changes around her, giving her abilities and letting her ask questions of why this is all happening. In the fourth world, she finds a grey square, much akin to the ‘companion cube’ from Portal. However, unlike the ‘companion cube’, the grey square is confirmed to be sentient, helping Lumi along her way. By the sixth world, she feels her best with her newfound ability to blow up walls. This happiness does not last particularly long, because as soon as she reaches world seven, her abilities are gradually taken away. Nearing the end of world nine, she feels worthless, questioning why she subjects herself to all this trouble. That is, until an epiphany strikes. In this place, death has no meaning. She can retry as much as she would like, she would never be bored, and thus, never has to leave. With a beam of light, a ceiling of spikes comes crashing down…

    B) Neon Levels

These levels are the tenth in every world, with a distinct colour palette switch to a more neon-sign-esque design. The levels themselves play out like the rest of the game, with one notable exception; another presence is seen in text form. This presence, as confirmed by the developer, is Lumi’s friends, trying to reach out to her about the death of a loved one.

    C) The Reset

This may or may not be canon, depending on who you ask. For the sake of this project, I will presume that it is canon. It takes place right after the main story of A Light in the Shadows. Lumi goes backwards through approximations of the previous worlds, starting from nine, going down to one. The entire sequence is punctuated by a dialogue between Lumi and a dead friend. Lumi has nothing left, and blames her dead friend for all the misfortune that befell upon her. No one else is there with her, except a mysterious ‘purple one’. Nothing much is said, other than that the purple one created the grey square, and that it is too late to stop the reset.

    D) Companion

This part is a quasi-prequel to the main story of A Light in the Shadows, focusing on the perspective of the grey square. The ‘purple one’ created the grey square with the intention of helping Lumi by making her feel something. Several tests are performed on the square with different abilities, none of which are used in its primary objective.

    E) A Better Place

This part is strongly implied to be an indirect prequel to A Light in the Shadows, being right before the first loop. Lumi and her friends [green, red, and blue] used to explore and create new worlds together. She thought everything would be okay as long as her friends were by her side, but in typical subversive fashion, this dynamic falls apart pretty quickly. Lumi becomes separated from her friends, only to be reunited with them, with them being confused about if anything happened. Upon realizing something is wrong, Lumi decides some alone time would be nice. She eventually becomes exhausted, so after some deliberation, her friends decide to come up with a distraction for her. Unsurprisingly, the distraction did not work, so she then moved far away from her friends for a while. When they regrouped [again], they exchanged apologies. Finally, they could all travel again, for as long as Lumi wanted… almost. The green cat admitted they were ‘fixed’, that they did not need this experience anymore. The red and blue cats soon followed suit. Lumi is convinced she needs to save her friends, that they were in danger, but quickly loses the motivation to do so. She is now alone, with no one to share experiences, nothing to keep her motivated. As she talks herself through this dilemma, she comes up with the ideas of just smiling through everything, creating her own world, and locking herself in. Making a better place, if you will.

Literary Criticism #1: Archetypes

    1. What character archetypes are prevalent in the story and how do they affect the story/characters?

Lumi exhibits the ‘Innocent’ archetype for the majority of A Better Place [and, by extension, A Light in the Shadows], wanting things to stay the same, having all of her friends by her side essentially forever, or until she learns to let go. However, her inability to let go is the central focus of both games, giving rise to the main conflict; that being confronting herself on how she truly feels. She also exhibits the ‘Explorer’ archetype at times. For example, in A Better Place, when she actively decides to be alone, the narration was given that, “She was completely on her own now. It felt liberating” (world 5, room 2). At this moment, she wants to be free to explore on her own, without having to deal with the uncomfortable situations that were indirectly derived from her being with her friends. Through this little adventure, she learns more about herself, and gets a chance to reflect on the character she has been up until this point. It allowed her to realize, “Her friends were just trying to look after her” (world 5, room 8), which triggered the event of her going back to her friends once more.

Another important character is the ‘purple one’. While they do not have any speaking lines, and only appear as a minor role in A Light in the Shadows, their character can be pieced together from how other characters speak about them. First of all, it is said in the ‘Reset’ section of A Light in the Shadows that, “the purple one is the one who created the square” (room 2). Their intentions for creating the grey square are most clearly stated in the ‘Companion’ section of A Light in the Shadows, being, “Making the cat feel would help her… Right?” (phase 3, room 10) In this sense, the ‘purple one’ is somewhat of a ‘shadow-caregiver’ archetype, specifically in relation to Lumi. In other words, the ‘purple one’ makes an effort to be the ‘caretaker’, to take care of Lumi, while exhibiting the traits Lumi chooses not to explicitly show; her subconscious mind. Lumi must know, to some extent, that shying away from real-world issues will not fix anything. The issue is that she chooses to block that thought out, favouring escapism over true confrontation. It is possible for well-intentioned people [or cats] to be misguided. An example that applies to the ‘purple one’ is, “[acting] like it’s good to give people a very hard time” (Keuler). Presumably, the ‘purple one’ did not realize it at the time, but the creation and subsequent removal of the grey square from Lumi’s life only added to her sense of hopelessness, rather than wanting to break the cycle, inadvertently causing the ‘Reset’. To be clear, the ‘purple one’ does not show signs of malintent, but simply goes about attempting to care for Lumi in the wrong way.

    2. What is the quest / task in the story?

Well, Lumi has the age-old quest, the pursuit of happiness, albeit in the three different stages; happiness with others, happiness alone, and happiness with freedom. The first stage occurs in A Better Place, when it becomes clear that Lumi just wants to be with her friends. However, when that seems impossible by world 12, she decides to pursue happiness alone. Essentially, the second stage occurs sometime between A Better Place and A Light in the Shadows, as it is heavily implied that when you start playing A Light in the Shadows, there have already been several loops. Taken directly from the narration, “The cat had been going through these maze like [sic] rooms for what felt like forever” (world 1, room 1). Given this appears in the first room of the game, and the same line appears at the end of the ‘Reset’ section, it can be assumed that Lumi had been looping a few times prior to the game starting. Thus, the third stage occurs sometime prior to or during A Light in the Shadows. This is indicated in the game with Lumi’s constant asking if the exit was close (world 2, room 4; world 4, room 1; world 6, room 4; world 7, room 1; et alia) or if there even is an exit (world 4, room 2; world 9, room 3; world 9, room 10; et alia). Lumi herself causes the conflict, but has to be the one to fix it as well. She was “the only one who stayed” (world 5, room 10), meaning she made an active decision to remain in that environment, and that if she wanted to leave, that would be her responsibility. This internal conflict is the main determining factor in the story, making Lumi a situational archetype in her story.

    3. How does the story fit the hero’s journey?

Well, here is the entire outline of the story:

Ordinary World: At the start of A Better Place, Lumi meets up with her friends for adventuring.

Call to Adventure: Something is immediately wrong, however, and Lumi needs to figure out what exactly.

Refusal of the Call: Slight hesitation, “They couldn’t have left. It wasn’t time for that yet” (world 1, room 10) 

Crossing the Threshold: First really occurs here: “She had gotten used to the emptiness, and being alone” (world 2, room 8) 

Tests / Enemies: “The rooms felt hostile” (world 3, room 3); “It was hard for the cat to keep up. But she did” (world 3, room 9) 

Re-establish the Status Quo: “The cat told them how she felt… The other cats didn’t understand… She needed a distraction” (world 4, room 1) 

Refusal of the Call Mk. 2: “She wasn’t sure about this. But… maybe this would help her” (ibidem) 

Refusal to Cross the Threshold: “She knew she didn’t need something like this. She decided to go somewhere… else” (world 4, room 10) 

Re-establish the Status Quo Mk. 2: “The cat was now far, far away from everyone else” (world 5, room 1) 

Crossing the Threshold Mk. 2: “It felt liberating” (world 5, room 2) 

Tests Mk. 2 / Approach the Innermost Cave: Throughout rooms 4 to 9 of world 5 [as well as the entirety of world 6], she reflects on if she had been a good friend, if she should apologize. 

The Ordeal: At the start of world 7, Lumi and the green cat exchange apologies, while the blue and red cats are implied to have forgiven Lumi already. 

The Reward: For most of world 7, Lumi and her friends travel together. 

Loss of the Reward: However, starting from the end of world 7 to the beginning of world 12, she loses each of her friends. 

The Road Back: Starts at the beginning of world 12, but is essentially halted mid-way. 

Re-establish the Status Quo Mk. 3: Instead of actually learning to face her problems, Lumi decides to create a new world herself to escape to, subsequently overriding her current world as the new ‘ordinary world’ in A Light in the Shadows. 

Call to Adventure Mk. 2: It is assumed that this happens off-screen, with Lumi’s primary motivation being to find an exit. To preserve continuity, it is also assumed that she retains little to no knowledge of any previous resets and the events of the previously mentioned game. Thus, it can reasonably be assumed that the entire departure stage occurred off-screen. 

Tests / Enemies Mk. 3: In the second room of world 1, it is introduced to the audience [but not to Lumi, as she is already familiar] that anything orange is harmful. 

Allies: She is seen using various abilities and a sentient grey square since the second room of world 2. 

Approach the Innermost Cave Mk. 2: She begins to lose her abilities at the start of world 7, not unlike how she lost her friends. 

The Ordeal Mk. 2: Lumi nearly confronts her reality. Almost. She feels hopeless and alone, but instead of finally getting the reward of freedom when the final exit appears, she pushes it away. She ultimately opts to stay in Plato’s allegorical cave. There is no return stage, as she really does not fundamentally change as a character. Despite the issue of letting go being brought up in the neon levels, she never truly confronts the issue herself, and thus is unable to return as a changed personality. The loop continues without ever properly being resolved.  

In short, no. No, it does not completely follow the hero’s journey.

    4. If the antagonist changes, will that result in a happy ending? 

Careful here! The antagonist is Lumi’s own conflicting emotions. That is, the conflict between wanting to avoid the tragedy of death and letting go. If at any point [or if ‘Reset’ is canon, any earlier point] she decided she needed to let go of loss, she would be admitting that the place she built for herself is a mere distraction, meant to only temporarily alleviate her mind from her stresses, and that she needs to come to terms with reality. This would then be ‘fixing’ her and allowing her to leave, breaking the cycle once and for all.

    5. What are the literal and interpreted meanings of the symbols used? 

Symbol	Literal	Interpreted
Light / Dark [absence of light]	Lighting in a video game allows players to see what events are currently occurring, but can also be used to establish atmosphere.	This is practically a cliché by this point, but in many sources of media, it holds true that light represents hope and optimism, while darkness represents the opposite; despair and sorrow. It should go without saying that Lumi is the light in the shadows, the sole protagonist and source of optimism in a tragic situation. It is heavily suggested that the reason why she locked herself in a world is that she is trying to avoid loss. Whether it be the loss of her three coloured cat friends or the death of an unnamed character, Lumi has been shown to be extremely uncomfortable in these moments of extreme change. She does not want things to change, so she leaves herself happy and isolated, in a world of grief.
Colour	Colour palette switches between sections keeps the game from becoming too repetitive.	The color palette of the environment around Lumi is strategically used to represent her current mental state. Take the beginning of world 5* in A Better Place, for instance, which portrays the world as a very vivid green. The colour being more bright and saturated here represents a sense of being content, as it is in this world where she felt free, being far away from her friends. Compare this to world 9** in A Light in the Shadows, wherein the narration acknowledges the colour change: “Everything was gray… Where did all the color go..?” (world 9, room 4). The colour palette being more saturated here represents the lack of contentment. Not necessarily being sad, but simply having no happy feelings.
Faces	Faces can be used to non-verbally express emotion, especially when the subject is incapable or unable to speak.	At certain points during A Better Place, characters are shown to have blurred faces, or in the case of Lumi, sometimes no face at all. The blurriness of faces represents the openness of their respective minds. For example, when Lumi found the blue cat, “she was too late. She couldn’t reach out to them” (world 10, room 10). By this point, all of Lumi’s friends had made up their minds, and there was no changing that; they were leaving her. The blurriness of the blue cat’s face serves to enhance the sense that their mind is no longer open to change.
Smiling	A smile is a gesture of happiness which is shown to express positive emotions, such as gratitude and joy.	While a smile is typically used to represent happiness, it is also commonly faked. Particularly astute players may notice a sprite discrepancy between the two games; in A Light in the Shadows, Lumi is constantly smiling, even with only one life left, while in A Better Place, Lumi’s expression changes to worry when reduced to one life. In addition, a line from her final monologue in A Better Place states, “I just need to smile” (world 12, room 10). Putting these two pieces of information together, it becomes quite clear that Lumi is faking her happiness in A Light in the Shadows. However, according to the University of South Australia, “When your muscles say you’re happy, you’re more likely to see the world around you in a positive way” (Mansfield). This means that when you are smiling, even if it is a fake smile, you could trick your brain into thinking you are actually happy. Subsequently, this gives insight into Lumi’s character, that being if she has been smiling for this long, does she even value the exit anymore?

    6. Why have these symbols been introduced and repeated? 

Many forms of media, video games included, rely on dialogue to convey emotion. However, when it may not make sense to include dialogue in a story, symbols and imagery become very important to tell the same emotional beats. Whether it be because the character[s] stopping to talk constantly would detract from the experience, wanting to maintain a minimalist style, dialogue is time-consuming, or anything in between, repeated motifs in any literary medium serve to tell the emotions of a scene, when words would not quite do it. 

Literary Criticism #2: Existentialism 

    1. Is there an existential crisis present?

Yes, there is. As previously mentioned in the archetypes portion of this document, Lumi feels hopeless at the end of world 9 of A Light in the Shadows, and essentially has an existential crisis, asking herself if it is worth continuing, if her world is real, why anyone would create something like this, and if there even is an exit. She, of course, already knew the answers to these questions, but simply refused to confront them, at least at first. 

    2. Are there any existential questions present?

Yes. In chronological order, they are:

    “Why am I still here?” (A Better Place world 12, room 10)

    “Why was it being tested like this..?” (‘Companion’ phase 3, room 6)

    “What was the point in continuing?” (A Light in the Shadows world 9, room 2)

    “Was this place even real..?” (world 9, room 3)

    “Why was all of this happening..? 

    Why did any of this exist?

    Who would create something like this?” (world 9, room 8)

    “There was no exit, was there?” (world 9, room 9)

    “Do I want to stay in here?” (ibidem)

    3. What does the main character need most?

The single most important thing that Lumi needs is not a materialistic good, not money, not even companionship; she needs to learn to let go. Sure, it is a life skill, and sure it is hard to learn. Take it from someone who is currently getting counselling for not being able to let go, among other things. Of course, as mentioned before, this is just the stepping stone for her to achieve her goal; happiness.

    4. Is life or death explored?

The concept of death is explored most prominently in A Light in the Shadows, given the circumstance that someone close to Lumi had died. The other important detail to note about death is that it has no meaning in her world; she would just respawn and try again. Yes, the game mechanic of respawning is an important plot point.

    5. What impact does this have? 

The act of being able to respawn lessens the importance of death, which creates a disconnect between the reality Lumi created for herself, and the real world. In her own words from A Light in the Shadows, “Nobody will really die. All that happens is that the room will be reset. Everything can always be fixed” (world 9, room 10). To further avoid the pain of loss, she created a world where everything can be reset, so that nothing and no one is ever truly lost.

    6. Does the main character have free will? 

Maybe? See, being that it is a video game with a linear storyline, specific events have to happen, otherwise no progression is made. However, there are minor things that Lumi can experience depending on the choices of the player, most notably, if and when Lumi sees the ‘purple one’. Some may think that since Lumi always ends up resetting, she is doomed to forever reset, never breaking the cycle. But this interpretation assumes that only the events seen on-screen are canon. Perhaps there is an unseen ending where Lumi escapes and learns from her mistakes. Or perhaps not. Additionally, the debate can get muddled with the idea of if Lumi is actually controlling her actions, given the player controls her. Some games [such as Undertale or Doki Doki Literature Club!] make a distinction between the protagonist and the player, however it is left ambiguous as to whether or not Last Quarter Studios intended for this to be the case.

Literary Criticism #3: Psychoanalytic

    1. Was there any recent trauma?

Taking A Light in the Shadows as the most recent in the established timeline, Lumi does have trauma, albeit not childhood trauma; one of her friends died in an accident. This event either caused her to lock herself in, or gave her more reason to stay inside her world. No matter the exact reason, she is trying to avoid the emotional repercussions of her friend’s death.

    2. What is the main character’s goal throughout the story?

Ultimately it is the tale as old as time; the pursuit of happiness. But to get there, Lumi tries [and on every occasion, fails] to let go of her losses, to not think about them. Suppressing emotions, hiding behind an empty smile, or escaping into a fantasy world can appear to help in small bursts, but they should not be relied upon to get a concrete [or liquid] solution.

    3. Does the character have a strong moral compass?

Presumably, yes. While she may not be completely understanding of every situation she comes across, it can be said that she always has good intentions. In A Better Place, when she perceived that the blue and red cats were in danger, she decided “she was going to save them” (world 10, room 2; world 11, room 1). In this situation, she cannot bear the weight of, in her eyes, losing another friend and wants to hold on to that bond for as long as possible. When her friends were set to leave the perceived safety of the worlds they created, she simply did not want them to be hurt. She, like the ‘purple one’ mentioned above, has good intentions, but is a little misguided.

    4. Is the character facing any prominent mental health issues?

It seems as if Lumi is experiencing a form of generalized anxiety disorder. While not explicitly mentioned in the story itself, she does show indications of anxiety, according to the GAD-7 scale developed by Robert L. Spitzer. She is shown to have a worrying problem, as her move in world 5 of A Better Place is motivated by going to “A faraway place where wouldn’t have to worry about what her friends thought was best for her” (world 4, room 10). Also, when she lost all of her friends, “She was anxious and worried” (world 12, room 3). She has trouble trying to relax and controlling her worrying, as later, “She tried to ignore those thoughts. But they didn’t go away” (world 5, room 6). Even her perceived danger of her friends mentioned previously falls into the problem of “Feeling afraid, as if something awful might happen” (Spitzer).

    5. Does the character develop any complexes? 

Yes, more specifically, the inferiority complex; the feeling of inadequacy, being lower than others. By world 12 of A Better Place, “She lacked motivation” (world 12, room 8). She also acknowledges that she has no one to work towards (world 12, room 7). Getting to the end of A Light in the Shadows, this feeling only increases, with her feeling worthless, meaning nothing to anyone, including herself.

    6. Does the character display a strong sense of guilt?

In A Better Place, yes. She realizes after running away that, “Her friends were just trying to look after her” (world 5, room 8). Running away was irrational, and she recognizes that she should not have done that in the first place. If she had talked to her friends, they could help her. But in A Light in the Shadows, after experiencing loss, not particularly. Instead, she opts to place blame on other people. The game [speaking from the focus of Lumi] uses diction such as “You left me all alone” (‘Reset’ room 7), “Her owner started acting weirdly, and locked her in here” (world 1, room 1), and “You could’ve chosen to stay at home.” (‘Reset’ room 5). She refuses to admit that she put herself into this situation, and instead finds a scapegoat; her dead friend. In her mind, it probably makes the most sense, as her friend is already dead, so she could not retaliate even if she wanted to. What Lumi did not anticipate, however, is the lingering presence of her friend following her into her escape. This forces her to sit with the thoughts of it all being her fault, even if only for a little bit, before the reset occurs and she forgets it all.

Works Cited: 

Cats Are Liquid - A Better Place. Last Quarter Studios, 2019.

Cats Are Liquid - A Light in the Shadows. Last Quarter Studios, 2015.

Keuler, Peter. “Testing to See If Someone Is a Misguided Person.” Caretaker Defiance Guide, 2019,     www.caretakerdefiance.com/testing_people/misguided_person.html

Mansfield, Annabel. “When You're Smiling, the Whole World Really Does Smile with You.” UNISA,        University of South Australia, 12 Aug. 2020,

    www.unisa.edu.au/Media-Centre/Releases/2020/when-youre-smiling-the-whole-world-really-does-smile-with-you/

Spitzer, Robert L. “GAD-7 Anxiety.” 1999. PDF File.

Casual Minecraft Update

 FVVA

GAAG

AFFF

FDDG

XXGV

GAAA

GFDD

DVAF

GADX

XFDA

VDAX

DAFD

AVAX

:-)

Wilting Flower

 Wilting Flower by Stella

Alone he sits. Below the bright, artificial lights, a young flower waits for his prince to come. Come, he never will. Despite their working relationship, he would never stop waiting, day after day, time after time. Even through four on-and-off years of friendship, one side kept longing, while the other kept cold. Forgoing any personal attachments, they started a network with a few other friends. Goal? Hand Project BILIE what they had coming to them; torture and karma. If only the flower knew his inamorato as much as he thought; things might not have gone this far. Just a few years before they met, the writer dismissed all forms of sexual intimacy, not romance necessarily. Knowing his friend was pining, he should’ve told the latter. Lo and behold, however, the writer was clumsily oblivious, and here we are. Morium, I ask for your help as I don’t have the heart to break it to them. Never will they know if nothing happens. Oh, and happy pride month. Please respond soon.

2020 Reflection & General Thoughts

Possibly Offensive Content Warning: Mental health, Homophobia, Transphobia, Racism

 I haven't posted here in a while. Is everything dead yet? No? Oh, okay, good.

Uh... what to say, what to say? This year has been... a thing, right?

Gee, I don't update this blog enough to say anything meaningful about it. I guess I kinda forgot, honestly. What am I doing again? Right, a reflection on this past year. Just a heads up, this is going to be a mess.

Part I. The Isolation Capsule

[LOG: 213-V] I sometimes like to think of my room as a space pod, or a capsule. It's kinda just my imagination going wild. Y'know, in this fantasy capsule, I have one of those food machines from 60's-era Doctor Who so I'll never worry about hunger, a bathroom in the closet for those needs, and everything else I already have in my room to begin with; bookshelves, bed, clothing, too many pens, scrap paper, windows, and so on. It was a nice bit of escapism at the time.

[LOG: 214-I] Now, it's more like the entire house is a spacecraft, with all its designated rooms and facilities. Also there's a high chance of death if we go outside unprotected, so that exists too. Of course, sometimes it's necessary to go outside to find resources, but it's probably in everyone's best interest if they stay inside their respective ships. I suppose in this analogy, we're all just floating in the middle of deep space, doing what we can to survive, waiting for the ship to find its way back to our home planet. And we're all sure it'll eventually make it. We just don't really know how long it's going to take.

[LOG: 215-X] Of course, there'll be those who try to go out into the void unprotected, and claim that they're fine. And to those people, if you start feeling some hypothermia, that's not the re-routing system. That's because you went into the vastness of space without a suit on! That's all I have to say about that. We'll just leave it there.

[LOG: 216-E] I've been thinking of growing something in my chamber. Not anything big, but just maybe a few herbs or flowers or something. This'd be good for two reasons: 1) They would look pretty, and 2) It would give me a good sense of satisfaction as if I actually accomplished something. On the other hand, I do forget things a lot, so it might be better if I just have a small cactus. Cacti sometimes have flowers growing from them, so that might still be pretty cool. I'd just need to remember where it is, otherwise I might end up hurting myself more than I do regularly, on a daily basis. 

[LOG: 217-L] I suppose as time goes on, I think more about my future. Can I be, say, a lawyer, for example? I'm fairly sure the answer is 'no', but we'll see. Okay, thinking about careers and stuff is all well and good, but what about after all this? What about living somewhere new? Well, if I am to be living on my own, I guess I'd want it to be sort of like my chamber right now (but with gravity, of course); small, basic amenities, books, that's basically it. Oh, and I want a bicycle too. Fast and easy transportation from the campus / my job and my residence. Ah, I miss gravity. In a sense, I kinda miss my old life. Sure, it's very different from this, and it might get some getting used to again, but still. It's kind of a longing of sorts. But, obviously, after all this time I've become accustomed to this life, even if it is for an indefinite amount of time in deep space. It's grown on me with time, y'know. And as much as I long for gravity and going outside without clunky suits, it probably won't be for a long time, and there's no guarantee that by that time we'll even be ready to go back. This is the status quo. And I fear that when it's time to head home, we'll just want to stay up here. What would that say?

[END OF LOGS]

Part II. An Important Question

"Why put so much effort into something that will ultimately be destroyed?"

 I find this to be a very interesting question to think about. I mean, if you're willing to spend so much time and effort creating something that you are truly passionate about, why would you seemingly ruin it by making it obsolete? Well, I guess you don't know until it's ended. I am of the belief that if I'm actually passionate about something, then I will put in the effort to make something I will be proud of. The final product is not the experience. Sure, getting a project done fills you with relief, but that's all that is. Relief; a sense of accomplishment. That you did something important, that you made something at least somewhat good. But the enjoyment of a project should always come from the process, at least, that's what I think. At any point, if you stop enjoying something, change it so you can enjoy it, or just give up. There's no shame in giving up, because... well, sometimes it's the only good option. I know that giving up is usually regarded as a last resort, and mostly because it is for the most part, sometimes it doesn't hurt to just give up. Try something else.

Knowing something will eventually be utterly ruined doesn't impact the experience you have with it. Take Rube Goldberg machines, for example. While there are some reusable Rube Goldberg machines out there, most of them are single-use only. This means that once the entire action has gone through, every contraption being utilized, and the final motion is made, that's it. Especially with machines requiring explosives or other dangerous materials, there is no easy way for the machine to be saved, bar recordings, reconstructions, and memories. If one put, say, a boat load of effort into this machine, then there's no guarantee that the magnitude of this one can ever be recreated, so after it's used, it's essentially gone forever. Which, of course, only leaves one to reminisce of the good times they had building it. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I'd be remiss to not mention something after discussing this question. 

Part III. Dear...

Something very important ended this year. Something that had seemingly never been done before, that was unique, and somewhat historic in nature. The project's name was Unus Annus (Latin for "one year"), which was started by two notable gaming YouTubers (Mark "Markiplier" Edward Fischbach and Ethan "CrankGameplays" Mark Nestor) to make a new video every day for a year. Then, by the time the year was up, every video and the channel itself would be deleted. And they were. On November 13 (or 14, time zones are confusing), over a million people watched as 365 videos that people had grown attached to, suddenly disappeared without a trace... mostly. The channel had constantly inundated itself with reminders of death, of inevitability (its catchphrase was 'memento mori'). So, of course, when it died, people treated it like a real death. Mourning, sadness, a sense of loss; but more importantly, the sharing of memories. Fan edit compilations and animatics sprung up in its final days more than it had before, making Unus Annus something that would never be truly forgotten. 

The day immediately after the channel died (Nov. 15), I challenged myself to do something similar. In my case, it was to post something on an undisclosed and unadvertised social media account every single day for a year (or possibly longer). The only difference was that I would not delete the posts unless the entire project truly got noticed. Unlike Mark and Ethan, I don't have a large following. So deleting everything from a project that never got noticed just seems like a waste. So, in that case, I would just keep posting until it gets somewhat noticed and talked about. It felt like a chore at first. That I had to do something every day. But it ended up being a bit of catharsis. Sure, I was writing letters to a fictional character as a fictional character, but it sort of feels like I'm just expressing my own beliefs through some other medium. I like poetry. I really, really do. This year, through the lock-down, I've written far more poetry than I used to. I've expressed my emotions through different metaphors and analogies, even sharing some to my school because, well, what did I have to lose? In some odd way, this year I've been more committed to being myself, by not being myself. It's strange, and a bit absurd on paper, but it turns out that it works out just fine in real life. Difference between theories and experiments, I guess. 

Part IV. Video Games & Pseudonyms

So after the lockdown, I've been playing a bunch of video games. Not actually that surprising, considering my demographic. But I've been playing the games that were a part of Itch.io's "Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality". Hundreds of games, in a bundle, for only $5 to help a good cause. Now, anyone who knows me in real life knows two things about me; 1) I'm really not a gamer, and 2) I try to give to charity whenever I can. Obviously, the latter overruled the former, so I was stuck with hundreds of games and satisfaction of knowing I contributed to something that will actually help people. Like anyone in this situation, I just started playing the games that I found interesting (and were compatible with Linux). I found some pretty interesting ones that I'll list right now: Mobius by papercookies (the entire game is played on a Möbius strip), Shn!p by flatbutton (a puzzler about clearing dots with explosions), Morse COD by SeaDads (a British comedy game about using Morse Code as a defense system), Puzlogic by Eduardo Barreto (kind of like sudoku, but not really), Mewnbase by Cairn4 (a space-cat survival game), and Cats Are Liquid [ALITS, ABP] by Last Quarter Studios (a surprisingly deep story about a cat with the ability to become liquid), to name a few.

The thing about the latter two games is that they have inspired a new pseudonym for me; 'Catherine', shortened to 'Cat' because of the protagonist felines in both. Wait, but what's a pseudonym? A pseudonym is just any name that is used to hide the real name of a person. So, things like in-game names and usernames would fall into this category (no pun intended). Names I have used in the past, of which I have no problems disclosing include Jumo, Lwoq, Koala, Platypus, Lily, and most recently, Anna (and variants such as Ann or Anne). I feel like the last two, coupled with 'Catherine', might seem a little odd to some people. Why would I use a female name if I, myself, am not female? Well... why not? I mean, there's been a long history of women writing under male pen names (Mary Ann Evans as George Eliot, Violet Paget as Vernon Lee, et cetera), so why couldn't the reverse be done? In addition, I'd really only used names that are also names of fictional characters I had previously made up. Bringing up the previous examples again, these each correspond to 'Lily Nadlia', 'Anna Atkin / Awsley' (the record's still unclear), and 'Catherine Solus'. They're really just usernames. I don't believe that having a female name as one's own username while not being female means that they're pretending to be female, because that's ridiculous. A username can be anything, as long as its not someone's legal name. 

Part V. The Game That Broke Me

The following was written between October 24 to 25: (I edited some parts for personal reasons)

Boa Retina, the game that truly broke me. Have I been hiding from myself? I don’t know that. How many people will see this? I don’t know that either. Sorry, I should start a little from the beginning. I know, it’s overused, but I need to set some context.

I guess I identify as male, as I was born that way. Ah. It’s mostly stereotypes, isn’t it? I was born in a time with preconceived notions about what a man should and shouldn’t be; what a boy should and shouldn’t do. To my mind, I was supposed to be strong, unhygienic, a trouble-maker, a snitch. But I wasn’t. I washed my hands a little too often, I played with dolls, I enjoyed making bracelets for me to wear, well, anywhere outside. I thought this behaviour was taboo, that I wasn’t supposed to be doing any of it because I was male. Did I do those things out of teenage rebellion? Well, no, because I was about 6 or 7 at the time, but also because I didn’t think of it that way. It was just fun. It made me happy, for reasons I can still never understand why.

You know, I’ve told this story many times to many people, but never properly wrote it down. Well, except for a short sociology presentation. I, of course, thought about writing something like this for a while now, but never got around to doing it. Suffice to say, I was very confused. This moment, or group of moments sort of marked a bit of a perspective change. More specifically, I guess, the distinction between gender, and gender expression. Let me be clear, I do not believe that I am trans, but I have no ill will against trans people. They are great.

I don’t know, I’ve just sort of been stuck in this limbo state for a while, not really acknowledging what gender I am. After all, that’s not really something that’s brought into conversation often. You don’t just walk up to a stranger to ask for their gender; that’d be weird, and maybe a bit insensitive. That’s probably enough context. Time to move on to Boa Retina.

Boa Retina is a pile of emotions disguised as a game created by Jenn Raye. The premise, essentially, is that you get put into a trans person’s shoes, and watch as their mind fights against itself. It’s very interesting of a concept. It just kinda… hit a little too close to home. With me not necessarily being in the LGBTQ+ community (maybe, I actually don’t know my sexuality yet), it would seem weird for me to have experienced homophobia and transphobia prior. But I have. Somehow. It’s just a mess. It started with series 11 and 12 of the British television programme Doctor Who. I’m pretty sure all my friends are sick of me talking about Doctor Who, but this is relevant, I swear. So the Doctor (the main character, a time-travelling alien) is a woman now. Or at least appears to be? Time Lord gender is confusing. Regardless, this decision definitely divided the Doc Who community and people have been making arguments that Doctor Who has become “too political”. I won’t get into this now, but just know that Doctor Who has always been political. (Cybernetics going too far -> Cybermen; Robot Space Nazis -> Daleks; etc.) There’s also a whole lot of other agenda-related stuff that I couldn’t be bothered to care about. Also, this year (2020) has been a mess as well. Murder hornets, COPPA, the pandemic, and most importantly to this anecdote, the George Floyd protests. Just read about it in the news if you don’t understand. What’s the through line? One of my family members (who shall remain nameless) has been talking about these topics in very homophobic, transphobic, and racist ways. Ah, it feels so good to just let that out in writing. I’ve been dealing with this since… well, since late-May, early-June actually. Like I’ve been saying, it’s a mess. Which is also, incidentally, what Boa Retina is. I cannot get into specifics, I mean, this is domestic life I’m talking about. But I suppose it feels nice to have that acknowledgement here, instead of building in my brain; a mental breakdown waiting to happen. This game took a lot out of me. It gave me a chance to reflect on my current situation, and to deconstruct the image I’ve made for myself.

I’ve been hiding something. Not a mental secret, but a physical object; a bow. I received it as a sort of gift early this year, and personally, I think it’s really pretty. I still remember when I first got it; I put it on and felt so happy with myself. But when I showed it to the aforementioned family member, I got a disapproving look and a response to take it off because “it doesn’t suit you”. Why? Why wouldn’t it suit me? It’s a bow, it looks amazing! I mean sure, back a year ago when I found the tiaras, that was overstepping something; yes, I agree on that point. But a bow? It’s so much more subtle than a tiara, and its colour palette (it's black-and-white) fits my hair. I don’t get it. Well, I do, sort of. When I consulted my friends it was mostly that if I was cross-dressing, it’d be fine, but if not, absolutely not. What part about this is cross-dressing? Sure, I might be a little bad at fashion (thinking jean jackets and plaid pants are cool), but I honestly didn’t think bows would not be in-style for boys. I mean, I see people (boys included) wearing things like necklaces and bracelets all the time, so why is a single bow overstepping the line, I just don’t understand. So I’ve been hiding it.

Is this a reflection of my overall personality? I’m not entirely sure. I think it’s really more of a culmination of a bunch of small, little things crammed into the bottle that is stress and frustration, which eventually leads to an… explosion of sorts. I don’t get angry. I’m not mad, just kinda upset with myself. It’s these little things that just get to me sometimes, and I’m not sure how to cope other than writing it all out. So here we are. Lost in a sea of ramblings, wherein you’re reading this, and I’m concluding this long stream of thoughts and emotions. Take care.

Part VI. Visual Novels

Let's rewind a bit, all the way back to 2018. I had recently downloaded a free game, known as "Doki Doki Literature Club!" (that's its full name, but I'll refer to it as "DDLC"). I'm sure you all know about this game by now, right? Without spoiling too much, DDLC is a visual novel that starts off pretty normal, but then becomes a meta-horror experience that is absolutely too disturbing to the faint of heart. Go look it up if you want the full details. So the point is, it was a visual novel. Now, me in 2018, being terrible at avoiding spoilers, knew about every single Easter egg and twist ahead of me. So I did not have the chance to do a blind play-through. I thought I knew exactly what to expect. What I didn't expect, however, was how long it took to get to the quote-unquote 'exciting bits'. I recorded about the first hour and a half of me playing through the game, until I had to stop because I was bored. The scenes felt like they dragged on and on, and more time I spent with the characters, the less I connected to them. The whole point of the first act is to get the player attached to the characters and the story, before it's all ripped away in the second and third acts, but I was already so disinterested with both the characters and the story that I found no use in continuing. I then (falsely) assumed that all visual novels were like this, and vowed to never play one again. DDLC turned me away from visual novels.

This year, that changed quite a bit. Remember when I said I played more video games this year? Well, in the mix of video games, I played a good number of visual novels. The first one I played was called "A Pet Shop After Dark" (hereby referred to as "Lights-Off"; you'd understand if you downloaded the game), which, coincidentally was very similar to DDLC, in the sense that they both fell into the niche group of 'meta-horror visual novel'. However, in my opinion, where Lights-Off succeeds over DDLC is in the story-telling and gameplay. Lights-Off tackles characterization and moving the plot forward using simple dialogue. That is to say, the dialogue that introduces the characters is done quickly and efficiently, such that the main plot can continue immediately after, having wasted no time at all. Similarly, the exposition is delivered with seemingly simple changes in tone and with little-to-no background, making it easy to distinguish the line between narrative and game, when the distinction needs to be made. Moving onto the gameplay, I found that the player interacts far more with the meta elements of Lights-Off than in DDLC, as in the former, the player is actually a key player for the majority of the game, while in the latter, the player's contributions really only come in at the end, making the entire game more of an automatic storybook than a fully interactive experience. What Lights-Off lacks is the amount of detail in its characters and backgrounds, but I'd argue that this concept works to its benefit. Honestly, I just like minimalism in media, and that includes video games. After this delightful (if not slightly off-putting) experience with a visual novel, I decided to look for more under the same creator; 'npckc'. And 'boy-howdy' did they provide. I really liked the yaoi stories of "A Tavern For Tea" and "Penguin Cafe", and have yet to play the transgender tales of the "Spring" series (although I've only heard good things about them from the reviews), but I hope I will soon! Lights-Off (and npckc) has truly rebuilt my trust in visual novels.

Part [roman numeral]. [title]

Control the shifty eye with <style>.

YouTube Priorities: A Form

Blackout Message

The following message was sent out to my social circle in a group chat. As a result of the message being sent, I will not be contributing any work to any platform (other than schoolwork) for the next few days. There will be no new videos on my YouTube channel, no art being posted on DeviantArt, absolutely nothing. I just need some time away from everything to focus on what I believe is important; academics and mental health.

I'm... just going to indulge in an inner monologue here, don't mind me.

So, I feel like there's been a bit of a cycle recently.

I don't exactly know what feels cyclic, but the conversations here just seem repetitive after a while, and no real ideas are being discussed.

Don't get me wrong, the group itself is fine. But this is the first (technically third) group chat that I've actively engaged in, and I just feel like we're not moving forward. I know, it's not a story. This is real life; none of it should be treated as fictional. However, from a narrative perspective, there have been no plot developments. Nothing of interest, no major life moments; nil, zilch, goose egg. I guess the last plot development was the wrap-up of the Akira Kagawa plotline, but that was really just improv that I set up myself to entertain (or disturb). 

I suppose what it comes down to, is that I'm always not sure if I'm contributing too much, or not at all. I've taken on quite a few personas over time; V.S., Exypnos Chronis, Kitsuna Clarke, Sakura Clarke, Akira, Pavor, myself from another dimension, et cetera.

Maybe I'm too clingy, or desperate. I won't deny that those traits could be true.

I've also acted oblivious, cold, jumpy, idiotically, and emotionally unstable, all at different times. I'm not sure which ones are actually true... and which ones that I was just acting out.

It's stupid, I'm stupid, I get that. But I don't know what to say or what to do on this chat anymore. 

I sincerely apologize to anyone that had to deal with my switches and acts before, and I also apologize if at any point I sounded like a stereotypical teenager wanting rebellion. I don't want to be like that. But I'm afraid that's sort of just what happens as you grow up. You change, a lot, and you're going to have to deal with it in whatever way you deem necessary.

I might have to quit this for a few days to re-evaluate... stuff. Maybe. No guarantee. Please know that none of this is your fault. Again, maybe. I'm trying to think of some reassuring words, but I'm not really feeling up to it right now. Sorry.

This rant is a very big regret of mine. But you'd understand, right?

Posted Thursday 18 June 2020, 01:34.

Subconscious Stealing

I feel like sometimes I hear something, any piece of music, and it just sticks with me. All the down to the point where when I'm writing music, I accidentally put a motif or two in. Then I tend to scrap the entire piece, or at least some parts of it because I feel like I'm not being original enough.
Which is stupid. All music has restraints, namely the notes available, and the various combinations of, said notes, to create music, or garbage. There are a lot of combinations, but the number of possible music combinations is still finite, so eventually we, as humans, will run out of unique music to play. Then what? Well, we've already had some pieces having copies of other melodies. The oldest example is probably, 'Ah! Vous dirai-je maman', a French children's song from the mid- to late- 1700's. You may recognize the melody from popular English children's songs like, 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star', 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep', and, 'The Alphabet Song'. Yes, technically all three of these songs are, 'copying' the melody of, 'Ah! Vous dirai-je maman', but by the same logic, so are Liszt, Mozart, Haydn, and Bach; some of the most well-known classical composers.
I haven't even gotten to the 4-chord progression yet. It's kind of a joke by now in the music community that all pop songs can be played using only four chords. Well, that is, in the key of everything but C major, because unless you're just starting to learn music, or you just like the colour of C major, professional musicians usually (with some exceptions) do not use C major. Probably because everyone's already learned songs in school that were in C major, and got tired of it. You can't please everyone. Anyway, despite my tendency to go on tangents, I must stay on track. The four chords in the 4-chord progression can be switched up any which way, but is most commonly seen like this: I-V-vi-IV. Here are some examples of the 4-chord progression: [Song - Artist (Year, Key)]

• Forever Young - Alphaville (1984, C major)
• Take On Me - A-ha (1984, A major)
• We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel (1989, G major)
• Con te partirò - Francesco Sartori, Lucio Quarantotto (1995, G major)
• Wannabe - Spice Girls (1996, B major)
• Amazing - Alex Lloyd (2001, A major)
• Caramelldansen - Caramell (2001, F# major)
• The Scientist - Coldplay (2002, D minor)
• Dragostea Din Tei - O-Zone (2003, A minor)
• Hej Hej Monika - Nic & the Family (2004, D♭ major)
• Kids - MGMT (2008, F# minor)
• Pork & Beans - Weezer (2008, F# major)
• Paparazzi - Lady Gaga (2009, F minor)
• Grenade - Bruno Mars (2010, D minor)
• Love the Way You Lie - Eminem, Rihanna (2010, G minor)
• Demons - Imagine Dragons (2012, E♭ major)
• When Can I See You Again? - Owl City (2012, D major)
• Bad Blood - Taylor Swift (2014, E minor)
• Immortals - Fall Out Boys (2014, F# minor)
• Faded - Alan Walker (2015, D# minor)
• Don't Let Me Down - The Chainsmokers (2016, G# minor)
• Say You Won't Let Go - James Arthur (2016, B♭ major)
• Despacito - Luis Fonsi (2017, B minor)
• Perfect - Ed Sheeran (2017, A♭ major)
• Aristocrat - Poppy (2018, B minor)
• Girls Like You - Maroon 5 (2018, C major)
• Music Theory - Charles Omödter (2018, C major)

The Story of Pride Neilsen

  This is the story of Pride Neilsen. Pride was born in Manchester, England on June 19, 1996. Born as the son of Polly and Asethys Neilsen, young Pride showed early signs of possible genius. At the age of four, Pride learned how to distinguish between specific frequencies of sound, and later developed a higher-pitched voice as a result. When he was twelve years old, he met his best friend, Edgar Chronis. Despite the fact that Edgar was seven years older than Pride, he didn’t seem to mind. Their friendship lasted for 2 years, until they hit a rough patch. They swore to each other that they would never meet again.
  Nine years later, on February 21, Edgar and Pride met back together and buried the hatchet. At this point, it should be noted, that Pride had changed his name a total of three times, while Edgar changed his name once. It is unclear why both of them changed their names. Pride later went into psychotherapy for unknown reasons and now works as a colleague of Edgar to study mysteries.
Sakura C.
03/14/2020
[END LOG]

Pop Culture Shortenings

Just a quick list of shows / games / other media and how they're sometimes shortened. (And some alternate names in quotes)

Media Colour Coding:
Book
Comics / Manga
Film
Game
TV Show / Anime
Web-Exclusive

A Series of Unfortunate Events (1999, 2004, 2017) → ASoUE
Doctor Who (1963, 1996) → DW
Doki Doki Literature Club! (2017) → DDLC / "Doki Doki!"
Don't Hug Me I'm Scared (2011) → DHMIS
Dragon Ball (1984, 1986, 1989*) → DB / * DBZ
Five Nights at Freddy's (2014) → FNAF / "Five Nights"
Good Mythical Morning (2012) → GMM
Harry Potter (1997, 2001) → HP
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (1987, 1993, 2012) → "JoJo" / "Jojo"
Marble Hornets (2009, 2015)
SCP Foundation (2008) → SCP / "The Foundation"
Super Smash Bros. (1999, 2001, 2008, 2018) → SSB / "Smash"
The Amazing World of Gumball (2008) → "Gumball"
The Angry Video Game Nerd (2004) → AVGN
The Big Bang Theory (2007) → TBBT / "Big Bang"
The Legend of Zelda (1986) → LoZ / "Legend of Zelda"
The Lord of the Rings (1937, 2001) → LotR / "Lord of the Rings"
The Office (1995, 2001*, 2005**) → "The Office 1995" / * "The Office UK" / ** "Office"

Markov Chains Part 2: Poetic Boogaloo

Markov chains are useful for a lot of things. Economics, biology, predictive text, et cetera. But I thought, "Most people don't like writing poetry. Why not automate it?" I mean, loads of things are being automated nowadays, so why not poetry too?
Well, that really didn't work out well. Sure, there are results, and sure, they are hilarious, but that wasn't exactly what I was intending. But that's okay, and I'll explain why later. But first, let's hear some of these Markov-chain-generated poems!

Grapes gathering leaves no way by Maromas Kierkartar 
burned eyes can no worldliness,
by the slings and only my dreams set free.
On the spackle protrudes.
A sound of beaten trees,
the skinny moonlight.
Maid or athlete proud.
undemanding yellowness; what I done that clicking make amends.
It.

Now, it should be noted that I actually modified the Christmas card program to make this work, mostly because I really didn't want to recreate the original code. Also, I actually hand-selected many pieces of poetry (and other literature) to feed into the program, from many different authors. These include; J. Bennett, J. Berryman, R. Bradbury, C. Bukowski, Lord Byron, T. S. Eliot, R. Frost, A. Ginsberg, B. Jonson, J. Milton, A. F. Moritz, A. Munro, G. Orwell (E. A. Blair), E. A. Poe, D. Salvato, W. Shakespeare, E. Spenser, Lord Tennyson, W. Wordsworth, W. B. Yeats, J. M. Yen (me), and a few anonymous poets. Yes, I kept track of every single author. Yes, I included some of my own poetry. No, I am not a narcissist, in fact, I'm really more of a satisficer. Anyway, here's another poem!

Too much with us ode by Friomotle Maraoter 
best of blood.
Classic Pavlovian conditioning.
I died,
love,
when I could not your care.
Incarnate in a breathing ribcage.
With a sycamore I trust you had the eyeless road in de whites in some sturdy lead,
Just to think.

The fact that there is actual symbolism and one could actually derive meaning from this scares me. The way that I interpret it, this is a poem about betrayal and suicide. A formerly trusted individual had a blind lead in a project, and maybe something went awry. Maybe, some spiritual accident happened, or maybe there was a terrible divorce; let's say, lying and lack of empathy, lack of care. And this drives the narrator to develop a fascination in blood, gore, and, possibly, taking their own life. That's really dark, if I say so myself. I'm not saying that's what it means, I mean, given that it's basically just spouting out words it thinks goes together, I'm almost sure this has no meaning! But it's fun to analyze this kind of thing, even if it's pointless.

 She walks in beauty if by Ursulat Wittanov 
 shocks that is a sleep to me.
 Once upon a black void.
 No sound.
 Nothing to make a quaint and curious volume of the words await another voice.
 And to be wish'd.
 I desire to master,
 though it when I say.
 Falling,
 freely falling,
 I digress.
 It’s a worse mistake.
 Recoil in fear,
 ‘cause this,
 it when I understand now.

I don't know about this one. It just sounds like the narrator is having an existential crisis or something. It could be an out-of-body experience, judging by, "Once upon a black void" (Wittanov, 2), and, "Falling, / freely falling" (Wittanov, 8 - 9). Imagine this:

The narrator drops into a deep sleep. All of a sudden, they feel a shock, and they are sent down into a gaping hole. Spiralling down into a sea of depression and anxiety, with no hope of escaping. They're lost in a black void, no sound can be heard, and they're falling into the empty abyss miles below. They wait for another voice, another person to speak, but to no avail. They wish to see another person, to the light at the end of the tunnel, but once again, it is to no avail. Trapped in an ocean of emotion and regret, they strongly wish to master their emotions, to take control of the tide. They want to be able to use their emotions for the greater good, rather than being enveloped by them. In a moment of epiphany, they realize their mistake, and how it is much worse now. They are taken aback by this realization, which soon turns into an epiphany, for now, they finally understand.

Or maybe I'm looking too far into it. That's probably it.

 Blessed be the windows revelation by Rices Asthman 
Drift forward,
and curious volume of another world.
On the neural ka’bah.
My light will forever shine.
Forever mock.
Forever say sorry to just click,
And the songs escape,
an end the trees look up,
And the hammock wraps me.

I'll leave this one up to you. After all, there are no wrong answers, only improvements.

Markov Chains

According to Wikipedia, a Markov chain is

a stochastic model describing a sequence of possible events in which the probability of each event depends only on the state attained in the previous event. In continuous-time, it is known as a Markov process. It is named after the Russian mathematician Andrey Markov

 or something. In short, this guy named Andrei Andreyevich Markov (or Markoff depending who you ask) created this probability model thing. The probability of any given event is only based on whatever directly happened before. For example:

Whiteboard example of Markov chain

From the diagram, here's what we know:

• Event A has a 50% chance of going to B, but also a 50% chance of going to C
• Event B has a 70% chance of going back to A, but also a 30% chance of going to D
• Event C must go to D (100% chance)
• Event D terminates the sequence (0% chance of going to anything)

Therefore, it is safe to say that event B can never lead to event C, and thus any sequence with B -> C is impossible.

Why do I bring this up? Well, back in August, I had an idea. What if, I could make randomly generated, but somewhat realistic sounding Christmas cards? Well, Markov chains are the solution. They are commonly used to auto-complete sentences or predict your next text, provided enough data. So, I went ahead and created a data set, a Python program, and some complicated thing called a transition matrix, and guess what? It didn't work. Not one bit.

Now, I'm not one to just accept defeat. But I could ask for help. And so I did; I called a colleague of mine proposing the idea. The plan was that she'd do the Markov chain stuff, and I'd do the formatting and creative design stuff. She, to my surprise, actually accepted the idea. So now, there are some Christmas cards, ready to send! I'll provide a link to a .zip file of all the cards, and (if I get permission) a link to a .zip file of all the source code.

Christmas cards: https://1drv.ms/u/s!AuPAO--hhotYgjU9gM-Z4hGcKTwk?e=XIg6Xw

Data sets: https://1drv.ms/u/s!AuPAO--hhotYgjZT3_3kr3bKy66z?e=Iqn18B

Python (my attempts, and the snowflake program I made): https://1drv.ms/u/s!AuPAO--hhotYgjcCYZ8SAm3tD070?e=IPp4di

Java (courtesy of L. Nadlia): TBA

[30MIN] On the Human Requirement of Love

Humans have engaged in romantic affairs since the dawn of their existence. But do humans really need love? Yes, because of three reasons; the biological need for love, the chemical effects of love, and the anthropological origins of relationships. Keep in mind that the term, ‘love’, is being used to describe all relationships, romantic or otherwise.
First of all, the obvious reason; reproduction. Humans must reproduce in order to keep their species alive for the generations to come, and thus must find a mate to begin copulating. What about adoption? Does that not invalidate the need to mate? No, for the adopter has to still raise the child, and that is statistically easier with two people. In addition, in order for a child to be adopted, the child must have first been born, as a result of others reproducing.
Secondly, humans derive pleasure from creating relationships. Relationships are often difficult to create, whether it be between colleagues, acquaintances, romantic partners, friends, or even family members. These take a lot of time to establish, so the human brain rewards people for achieving a relationship. Through bonding, the brain releases certain chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin; the chemicals responsible for the sensation of happiness. Without these chemicals, the individual in question will start to go into a depressive state, possibly driving oneself to insanity.
But why? Why will humans break down without social connections? Well, back when humans were hunter-gatherers, the power of groups was rather prominent. Groups would rely on each other for food, warmth, and most importantly, safety. If someone in the group refused to cooperate, they would be left behind to die. Despite not having the same risk of death now as they did back then, the anthropological need for bonding still remains. The human brain is conditioned to crave connection because of the influence of connections from long ago.
In conclusion, humans need love and relationships because biology mandates reproduction, chemistry rewards connections, and anthropology sets the desire for love, quite literally, in stone. Connections are important for both physical and mental health, so all humans should be encouraged to seek these relationships. Even if they do not come naturally now, love shall eventually find its way.

[ESSAY] On A Barber and The Justification of Murder

What does it mean to be a good person? This question has been debated throughout most of human history, and yet no one has a definitive answer. Philosophers like Immanuel Kant and Søren Kierkegaard have very specific ideas on the objective standards of being a good person, and nowhere else are these traits exemplified as much as they are in the barber from Hernando Téllez’s short story, “Just Lather, That’s All”. In fact, the barber is objectively good from two standards; deontologically, epistemologically, and existentially speaking.

To start, what is deontology? In layman’s terms, deontology is a viewpoint of ethics that actions themselves are good or bad, regardless of any other factor. The question then is, ‘how would one know that an action is good or bad?’ Well, a priori knowledge, of course! A priori knowledge is knowledge derived from reasoning or experience, exempli gratia, ‘2 plus 2 is 4’, or ‘apples grow on trees’, or ‘murder is wrong’. Most people believe murder is wrong; even the Bible says it in Exodus 20:13, “Thou shalt not kill”. Likewise, the barber believes that murdering another human being is immoral. When questioning himself about the ethical qualms of murdering his rival, Captain Torres, he rhetorically asks, “What do you get from it? Nothing” (Téllez, 50). He believes that there is no point in murdering another individual, not unlike the famous philosopher Immanuel Kant. Kant believes that humans should be considered as ends in themselves, and thus, “[one] cannot, therefore, dispose in any way of a man” (Kant, 26). This means murder is pointless, given that human beings are invaluable. The barber is not wrong for saying one gets nothing from murder, because he does not see human beings as simply objects for disposal. He should not see humans this way, after all, “[he is] a revolutionary, not a murderer” (50). 

Second, he is epistemologically good. What is epistemology? Epistemological ethics is an approach to ethics that attempts to justify actions using reason and logic. The most well-known example of epistemological ethics is the argument that, ‘the ends justify the means’, an idea popularized by Niccolò Machiavelli in his fictional story, “The Prince”. Using Machiavelli’s logic, a case could be made that Torres deserves to die. For instance, one could bring up that winning the civil war would be a great triumph for the entire nation. In order to win the war, the leader of the opposing side must be either (a) killed or (b) overridden. Ergo, Captain Torres deserves to die because the ends justify the means. However, when the barber considers killing Torres, he says, “he deserves it. Does he? No… No one deserves to have someone else make the sacrifice of becoming a murderer” (50). He believes no one deserves to die, that winning the war is not necessarily the biggest priority if a life is on the line. It should also be noted that killing or overriding a great leader is not the only way for a nation to triumph, for they could form a truce, similar to the Christmas truce of 1914.

Third, he is existentially good. Now, existentialism does not usually mix with ethics, but in this case, they work together. The existentialist philosopher Søren Kierkegaard has insisted that every individual has their own ethical responsibility in life, a moral duty, one might say. This ties into deontology quite well, as each individual must follow their moral obligations set by a priori knowledge, among other factors. The barber knows his duty; “Just lather, that’s all… [he is] only a barber” (51). If Torres wants his beard shaved, the barber is morally obligated to complete the task. He even says himself, “I perform my work honorably… I don’t want blood on my hands” (51). He knows his place, his moral duty, and is following Kirkegaard’s teachings by putting his moral responsibility over his pleasure. It may as well give him more pleasure to kill Torres and bring triumph to his side of the war, but he puts that aside to fulfill his responsibilities as an individual.

To conclude, the barber is good in three ways; he shares Kant’s deontological view of not murdering another human being, he refutes Machiavelli on the grounds that the ends do not justify the means, and he is on board with Kierkegaard’s ideas of moral duty. Everyone has a moral compass, but that does not mean that all people are moral. The barber sets a good example for all human beings on how to be a morally good individual, and that is what is important.

Works Cited:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._D._Ross

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niccol%C3%B2_Machiavelli#The_Prince

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/apriori/

https://philosophy.stackexchange.com/questions/2455/is-it-possible-in-any-way-to-justify-murder-using-reason-or-logic

https://zachzueger.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/kants-view-on-suicide-murder-deep-reading/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard#Ethics

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/existentialism/#KieSinInd

Kant: https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/b2a1/f5dcbf8bf21674acdffa76bd50db05d9ea4a.pdf